A letter to mother

Dear mama, 

I don't know where to start this letter, should I start with my fond memories of us together? Or the one where I felt like I was being abandoned? I'm well aware about the fact that you had me at a young age. You weren't ready for the responsibility of being a mother, you were just 20 when you had me. You should have enjoyed your life, partying, hanging out with your friends, achieving your dreams, traveling to different parts of the world. I know you don't resent me for being born you just weren't prepared for it. You were young and naive so you sometimes would leave me alone at the house with my fathers relatives or leave me with your mother, my grandmother. 

I still remember those memories of the nights i spent crying because you weren't there by my side before i go to bed. And every time it would happen my grandmother would cuddle me and make me stop crying and would tell me "Your mom is busy working that's why she cant accompany you to bed at night" only for me to find out years later that you weren't working you were out having fun with my dad. Or when you promised to stay with me at night to sleep and that when I opened my eyes you would still be there but when I did you weren't there anymore. You were not in my reach, I couldn't feel you hugging me anymore and at that young age for the first time I felt so scared and abandonded. 

I know you tried your best but sometimes I wish you could have tried more harder. You know I still remember those days where you would come home drunk. Sometimes every time you go home wasted my dad gets so angry with you that he just leaves you to your own device but I couldn't do it, I couldn't leave you alone so helpless. So I found a chair helped you get up and lay you down after that i got another chair so I can lay down with you, I hugged feeling happy and contempted. After all what child could bear to leave their own mother alone? 

Sometimes i would think to myself, why couldn't you choose me first? After you and my dad seperated you found yourself in different relationships. How it would make me feel like you'd rather spend your time with them rather than with me. There were so many situation where you could have chosen me. Chosen to have come home to us first rather then to your partner, choosing to spend your Christmas with us rather than with them. I'm your daughter aren't I? So why couldn't you choose me first?

I have read a quote before and for some reason it reminded me of you, the quote goes "The first to betray me was a god, my creator, my mother" isn't it funny just how much parents affects their children's  upbringing. A child who is raised with not much love will grow up not hating the parents but will hate themselves instead. 

But still your my mother, I cant help but yearn for you, for your love, for your care. I would still look back to those fun memories we had together. When we would sit together by the swing while eating ice cream, when we went to the beach together, when you would make me a sandwich as a lunch for school, and you would always take me to school and wait for me until the class was over. 

The times that you would spoil me, the times we have laughed together and our unexpected adventures together. I love you mom. I know you're trying your best to make up for it now. And I forgive you for it because your my mom. Even though I'm already 18 mom, I would still run back into your arms like a little girl. Doesn't matter how much you've hurt me in the past. Ill always still come back to you. I love you ma.