A letter to father

 Dear papa,

When I was a kid to me you were the best dad a kid could have. You would take me out on dates, surprise me by buying me gifts or taking me to arcades, and you would take me to fares. You were the best!

I had memories of us that I would never forget. There was a festival at Lapaz plaza and there were a fare. There was games and rides. And after your job you would take me there. We would play at the playground for a bit then we would ride the Ferris wheel after that we would buy linaga and eat and we would go home. Or when we used to live together I would wait for you to go home from work even if it was late. When you get home you would cook us corn beef and we would eat together while watching tv. Those were the most fond memories I had with you. 

Then you and mom seperated. You changed. You weren't the same dad anymore. You were more angry, distant and it made me question, do you still love me? 

You weren't there anymore, as if the dad I had when I was young did exist anymore. You started shifting your focus on your new partner. You were there for her more than you were for me! You weren't there for my activities at school, you didn't drive me to school, you didn't even want to be there for my recognition but you were there for her! 

There were a lot of nights I spent crying thinking if I wasn't enough, why couldn't you show me the same amount of love and attention. And all I wanted was to have my old dad back. My dad who would take me to dates, take me to school, make me breakfast. My dad who made me feel loved. Every night I would cry just thinking about the dad I used to have, wishing through my tears how much I miss my dad. It was like grieving to a person who is still alive, Mourning a coffin that I cant bury.  

I guess what people said on the internet is right once you hit a certain age you just stop being your daddy's little. And one point I had enough and I confronted you about it. "Do you love me pa?" It was a hard question for me to ask, probably the most hardest questions I ever asked in my whole entire life. 

And when I asked that question I feel like it hitted him. That he wasn't a great father, I wish he was. I wish you were one of those dads I see on tv who would go to extreme miles or put in a lot of effort just to see their daughter happy and being there for them. I wish you were that pa. 

After that confrontation I saw changes. I noticed that you putted in a bit more effort, you call or message me every now and then and you were more gentle towards me. And I see how you treat my baby sister. Like how you used to treat me too when I was young. I miss that. Still I'm happy that your being the father that I wanted for her. I hope you wont break her heart the way you did to mine. 

Still the little girl inside me will always love you pa. Doesn't matter if I'm going to become an adult or be an old hag, I will still always be your little girl. I know your not the greatest father but I also know that your trying your best. I love you.